the letter

for most of my life, I have dealt with mental illness. i never understood why i was so sad. why i was so fucked up. but over the past year, i finally accepted the truth. the truth that i have been keeping bottled up inside all of these years. i’m sure you have noticed that you are blocked on everything. i decided after months of seeing you and talking to you and enduring the pain and trauma over and over again that i can no longer have you in my life. that i cannot withstand one more inappropriate comment. that just because you are my father does not mean that i am required to keep you in my life. you traumatized me over and over. and i know that you will never admit to it. and that is fine because i never expected you to. i know that you are going to hate me and call me a liar. but me and you both know what you did to me. and just to make it clear to you – you sexually abused me. i will never forget all of the instances in which you traumatized me. they are stuck with me forever. and i am constantly in pain due to them. it makes me so angry. because why should i be the one walking around in pain like this? here are the few instances i have to replay in my head on a daily fucking basis. when i expressed to you that i hated the gap between my teeth and you told me, an eleven year old, that i should appreciate it because it is a sex symbol. or the time when we were in the living room. you were sitting down. i was standing up. you hugged me and then kissed the side of my boob. the times you fell asleep in the bed with me and told me not to tell mom. and the worst ones. the ones where you touched me. in the bath. and in other places too. and there is so many more. but i’m sure you remember everything that you did to me too. i don’t understand how you pretend every day that you didn’t do anything to me. how you walk around and say things like “i wanna kill the guy that raped you” like you didn’t do the exact fucking thing to me. but it’s okay. you can keep walking around pretending. i’m not going to go around telling everyone. i won’t tell ***** or anyone close to you. you can keep this to yourself. but i just needed to get this off my chest. to explain to you why you are no longer in my life. and i needed to do this for me. i wish that things were different. i wish that i could have a normal relationship with my father. you don’t understand how much i wish i didn’t hate you. still, i wish you the best in life. i hope you find peace and happiness. i hope you take a step back and allow yourself to truly take a look at your actions and change for the better. either way, i can no longer be in your life.

also, regarding *****, i believe she needs as many people as she can get. so please do not keep her from seeing me. do not hurt her like that. i also would like her to not know about any of this. she does not need to hear anything that could upset her. hope you understand. thanks.