they all look at me in pity. feel bad for me because im broke. and i cant eat. im not skinny. i rely too much on drugs and my dad hurt me. so they look at me and they feel sorry. but if they are sorry, why do they hurt me? why do they hurt me just like him? use me and pretend they’re doing me a favor?

“she’s not a hot girl. but she’s got big tits. and daddy issues. and can give some bomb ass head. she can be my friend with benefits.“

they think i would just love to jump into this type of relationship. and maybe i do love jumping into this type of relationship because i love male validation and especially if it’s coming from someone who uses me. but can’t they just stay away? notice the warning signs and do what is best for me? i dont know but wouldnt i hate that too? i dont know. i just want one of these men who use me to want me for more than my body. i want them to want to love me.

nobody knows what it’s like to be a teenager or to be my age in today’s society. it’s all fucked. everyone around you is partying – taking drugs, drinking alcohol, having sex. and if you’re like me, the whole taking drugs and drinking alcohol thing can be a problem. because you become reliant on it. and it’s all that clears that fucked up head of yours. and if you’re being honest, sex is like that for you to. a problem. something you need to not think or feel for a while. so with everyone obsessed with all of this, living in today’s society is complete and utter bullshit. everyone is emotionally unavailable but also extremely lonely at the same time. we’re all sad and suffering from some form of evil that shows up in our world. it’s sad. i really want drugs. i really want some meaningless hookup with someone. because really i just want to feel okay and like i’m not alone. even if it’s a temporary fix. even if it absolutely destroys me.

me and you were always at each other’s sides

viewing stars under the summer sky

watching our favorite shows

i never knew you were too close

not even when you would kiss me

or hug me a little too tight

or look me up and down

i thought it was my outfit that you liked

your eyes they lingered

but so did your hands

this is bathtime

so it’s okay for you to touch me like this

and maybe i believed that this was normal

or maybe i loved you more than a father

all i know is that now i look at you with disgust

you stole my innocence

and you took away my trust

you took advantage of the love a daughter has for her father

the love i had for you

to please your sick mind

and ruin mine too

so now i can never enjoy the stars

or fall in love

without thinking of what my father had done

stop

do not enter

you are not welcome here

i know my body seems to say

go

you can enter

you are welcome here

as i fill with warmth from your touch

but listen to my words

listen to the shakiness in my voice

i am telling you

i am begging you

please don’t take this away from me

with my eyes shut and hope out of reach

i sing a song that i don’t know the words to

because maybe music will release you

maybe it’ll release me

fathers teach their daughters how to love

they set the bar for the relationships to come

mine taught me that my body is all i need to be enough

so the boys must care about me because they wanna fuck

when they look at me and want something deeper

something past the exterior

i am confused and i am hurt

the boys must not care about me because they don’t wanna fuck

my body is not my own and it hasn’t been for some time

but i don’t mind

i don’t want it to be mine

i want the boys to use me and tell me i’m fine

i know this isn’t real love

and i wonder if i will ever know what that’s like

but i thank my father

for teaching me how to please the boys and hate myself every night

just when my world started to feel okay again, you came back. you always do this. you love to play this game. have me twisted around your finger. you know i’ll agree to anything. you know i will kill myself every time just to have you around. i’ll watch you with her and her and everyone – wishing it was me. and sometimes it will be me. but not the way i need it to be. i love you and i am so so tired of this. but i could never be tired of you.

i take these pills to fix my brain

but i become numb

and i can’t feel anything

so i let the chemicals do their thing

until all i can think is the death of me

and this is a cycle

the circle of my life

until one day i realize that taking pills is my only shot at staying alive

i wonder if you still cry sometimes 

because you don’t wanna be like him

you look in the mirror 

and see the resemblance 

your eyes your smile the way that you hurt me and all the other ones 

i know that you try your best

and that sucks 

because you were much more beautiful when you weren’t such an abusive fuck 

it always seems to be talked about differently. at night. alone. caught by surprise. it’s never talked about how it went for me today. and maybe that is why i feel it didn’t really happen. that i was just being dramatic. it happened in my room. during the day. when the sun was still shining. people were here. not in my room. but around. closing doors. walking the hallway. and at first i was okay with it. maybe? i mean i felt a little uncomfortable from the start and felt like we shouldn’t but i don’t think i told him that. and everything became so much more so quickly. and i found myself not knowing how to breathe. wanting it to be over. so i cried out for him to stop over and over again – like a fucking broken record. and he repeated “no” and “you like this” and maybe i did? so i tried to enjoy myself… but it didn’t work so i found myself repeating to stop over and over again, again. and again he told me no. and i repeated until finally after about 10 minutes he stopped – annoyed but he stopped. and we just sat there – trying to talk. until he forced me. and i could have been stronger. i could have fought back harder but i was drained and so so tired. i found myself asking him to stop again. to which he said no. and he put his hands around my neck. and i just let it happen after that. i even acted like i enjoyed it at that point just so he could finish. so it could be over with. so no it didn’t happen to me at night – alone or by surprise. it happened because i let someone in my room during the daytime. hoping to talk about life, go on a date, and maybe see what happened after that. it happened with people nearby. i could have screamed for help – but i’m too polite. it happened. but somehow i feel like i am to blame. somehow i feel that it didn’t happen to me. i never wanted this to happen to me.

the night before, you told me you loved me. you were here. and i know you resented me for it. but you didn’t show it. you gave me advice. told me to follow my dreams. i loved english so much that maybe i should make it my minor. have something in my career that shows how much i love it. it didn’t seem like a goodbye. but do last moments ever seem like goodbyes? we seemed okay. that was all we had been lately. okay. you were lashing out on me a lot. and i was staying cooped up in my bed. in my room a lot. and i know you just wanted to have fun. you just wanted to make the most of this life. this experience. but for me this experience was full of change and confusion. and you were apart of that change and that confusion. that last month. a part of the reason i was having issues with being sad and mentally not okay was because of you. because i noticed that you stopped looking at me the way you normally did. and i pretended that it didn’t exist. three days before you ended things, i kept thinking “he’s gonna leave me” and “this was going to be over.” and i pushed it away. i thought “no way because this is the guy i am gonna marry.” i remember us in the bedroom and talking about other girls. because i knew that was what you wanted. and i wanted to make you happy. i was so crazy and in love that i would have let you be with other girls. i would have done anything to keep you in my life. what kind of love is that? but still even with the feelings and thoughts i had been having – that day i was completely blindsided. i did not see it coming at all. we were in class. everything was fine. we left. you didn’t talk much. i knew something was wrong. and i had a feeling that this was it. but again i pushed it away. until i took those stairs and you were far behind. my heart sank. and then we went in my room. and you stood there. trying to find the words. and i just wanted to die. right then and there i wanted it to be over. and you said the words. and i pretended to be calm and cool. but inside i was breaking. writing this is making me feel that breaking feeling again. even now i love you. and i am so stupid for that. because i know that i deserve better and that you deserve better. and writing this makes me angry at you. and i don’t want to be angry at you. but for you to tell me that this had been for months. and me in the present, thinking about what all you did after that. and how i was the crazy one. how i was the one in the drama. the one who just couldn’t move on. how could i move on? how could i move on when i saw you with her? when you told me as i was breaking that you had feelings for her. 6 days after? how could i be calm and cool like i was the moment you ended it? and how can i be calm and cool now when i remember the last month we were together? how you treated me like absolute shit? but my mental illness was the problem. because my mental illness will apparently always will be the problem when it comes to you.

and so now even though i’m sad a lot and even though i miss you and i love you, i feel free. i feel free because i don’t have to hear those words anymore. i don’t have to have something that i struggle with thrown in my face. and i don’t have to listen to your lies. your i love you’s. because i realize that you were never for me. that you never treated me right. and i was never for you. and i never treated you right. because we were stupid kids in love. and we were never meant to be.

but yes i still love you. and yes i am angry and sad and happy and every emotion you could possibly feel. but i have every right to be. just as you have every right to be angry and sad and all of the emotions as well. we feel what we feel. but i will not allow myself to feel crazy because that is what i always felt when i was with you. you were never my home. wherever i am headed now – that is my home. and that home is somewhere i will have got to all on my own. i hope you find your home too.