grieving

i can’t sleep tonight. i can’t sleep because i lost my best friend. my best friend that i’ve known since the 1st grade. the one that i did dumb shit in chorus with in the 7th grade. the one that i have been inseparable with since the 10th grade. my best friend that i loved with my entire being. she was there for me through my first breakup and my second. she may not have always made the best choices but overall she was always – in my eyes – a good person. i didnt lose her like most. she didnt die or move somewhere far away. no. she’s alive. probably within ten miles from me at the moment. i lost her in a way that i feel hurts quite differently. i lost her as in she’s still here but she’s not herself. she’s not the person that i once knew. she’s someone who is broken beyond repair. she’s made choices that i can no longer stand by. i can no longer make excuses for her. i have to let go. and i am full of pain. but also numb at the same time. my whole body aches and i’ve never really experienced this before but apparently it can happen after a traumatic event. and tuesday night was most definitely a traumatic event. sometimes i wonder if i attract trauma. so many traumatic things have happened to me in my life and each time, it hurts more and more. i loved her. but now i know she is a person i can no longer love. i can only sit back and hope that she finds redemption for the things she has done. but honestly, if what she has said is true, there really is nothing she can do. i miss the simpler days. i miss when drugs, money, and sex weren’t so important. i miss the old her. i miss believing that me and her were gonna be best friends forever. in our 30’s – making our kids be friends and play together. why couldn’t she choose this kind of life? why did she have to choose a life so dangerous? a life that takes the humanity out of you? a life that is evil? i don’t know. maybe one day she can choose to live a different life. either way, i can no longer be in her life.