being an adult

i think this is what being an adult is like. it’s being totally alone. having no one. and learning how to be okay with that. it’s hearing everyone around you talk about what they’re passionate about – only to realize that you’re not passionate about anything. it’s hearing these people talk and really trying to listen but not getting anything from the conversation, even after somehow replying. it’s everyone being too busy or happy. they don’t wanna deal with someone like me. someone who could only bring them down. maybe this isn’t what being an adult is like. maybe it’s just what depression as an adult is like. i have always had someone here for me. someone i could talk to. someone that could just take it all away. and maybe that’s why i don’t have anyone anymore. i ran them all away. i don’t know. maybe this is all a good thing. maybe i’m meant to be alone. to just feel it all by myself. and deal with it all by myself. but god it just feels unbearable at times. and i worry that one day it will become too unbearable. the anxiety and the depression is making me physically sick. and it feels like my head is on fire. or just screaming. it’s so loud all of the time with zero relief. it all hurts. but i know i’m supposed to feel this. and it’s okay to feel this. it just really fucking sucks. and i wish i had someone. anyone to be here. anyone to take it all away. but i have to be here for me. and i have to learn how to take it all away myself. because this is what happens to someone who has had someone their whole life – once they have no one, they don’t know what to do or how to be okay.