i know i’m not as pretty as i used to be

i can tell by the way that you kiss me

and no it’s not a mystery

you think of her when you sleep

a dream you claim as a nightmare

all because i’m not there

but why dream of ex-lovers

if you aren’t thinking of another?

i never thought i’d see this day
but i can’t allow you to treat him that way
from ever since i could tell
the smallest of cells
i promised i wouldn’t put him through your hell

it’s not something i want to do
but i can’t escape my truth
why can’t you see it as yours too?

and i pray that one day before you lay in your grave
that you can say hey i’m sorry i hurt you
because despite all of the pain and all of the shame
i really do love you

and i just pray that before you lay in your grave
that i can say
i forgive you

i have a couple of monsters that live under my bed

they have arms so long, they can play with every inch of my pale broken skin

the most frightening can reach beneath the surface

squeezing every vessel, every organ to its limit

i’ll scream in agony

the black horses will ride by

singing songs in my honor, in tune with my cries

they’ll pass by marching and so will the time

i’ll scream in relief that that was the last line

but i’ll know that the song will never end

there will always be an encore

another to begin

so what am i holding on for?

you ride those horses and you sing their lullabies

you’re not a saint

so i don’t need to live this lie

it’s perfectly okay for me to say goodbye

it’s okay to banish monsters like you

you can’t keep me up at night

so this is our farewell

an end to the suffering you cause and the music you make

a goodbye to you and a goodnight for me

for most of my life, I have dealt with mental illness. i never understood why i was so sad. why i was so fucked up. but over the past year, i finally accepted the truth. the truth that i have been keeping bottled up inside all of these years. i’m sure you have noticed that you are blocked on everything. i decided after months of seeing you and talking to you and enduring the pain and trauma over and over again that i can no longer have you in my life. that i cannot withstand one more inappropriate comment. that just because you are my father does not mean that i am required to keep you in my life. you traumatized me over and over. and i know that you will never admit to it. and that is fine because i never expected you to. i know that you are going to hate me and call me a liar. but me and you both know what you did to me. and just to make it clear to you – you sexually abused me. i will never forget all of the instances in which you traumatized me. they are stuck with me forever. and i am constantly in pain due to them. it makes me so angry. because why should i be the one walking around in pain like this? here are the few instances i have to replay in my head on a daily fucking basis. when i expressed to you that i hated the gap between my teeth and you told me, an eleven year old, that i should appreciate it because it is a sex symbol. or the time when we were in the living room. you were sitting down. i was standing up. you hugged me and then kissed the side of my boob. the times you fell asleep in the bed with me and told me not to tell mom. and the worst ones. the ones where you touched me. in the bath. and in other places too. and there is so many more. but i’m sure you remember everything that you did to me too. i don’t understand how you pretend every day that you didn’t do anything to me. how you walk around and say things like “i wanna kill the guy that raped you” like you didn’t do the exact fucking thing to me. but it’s okay. you can keep walking around pretending. i’m not going to go around telling everyone. i won’t tell ***** or anyone close to you. you can keep this to yourself. but i just needed to get this off my chest. to explain to you why you are no longer in my life. and i needed to do this for me. i wish that things were different. i wish that i could have a normal relationship with my father. you don’t understand how much i wish i didn’t hate you. still, i wish you the best in life. i hope you find peace and happiness. i hope you take a step back and allow yourself to truly take a look at your actions and change for the better. either way, i can no longer be in your life.

also, regarding *****, i believe she needs as many people as she can get. so please do not keep her from seeing me. do not hurt her like that. i also would like her to not know about any of this. she does not need to hear anything that could upset her. hope you understand. thanks.

you make it so easy to fall in love with you. the first time i allowed myself to be vulnerable with you, you did what no one else has done before. you admired every aspect of my body. told me i was so so beautiful. breathtakingly beautiful. it made me feel so good that i wanted to cry. i wanted to cry because i finally felt enough. but i can never tell what your words mean. are you saying them just because you know they will make me feel this way? that i will drop down on my knees and do anything for you? be all yours. i want to love you. i want to know every aspect of your beautiful mind. but at the same time, are our minds even alike? would our love be just as beautiful as the way we make love? and do you want to love me? do you think my mind is just as beautiful as my body? i don’t know. so for the time being, let’s just fuck. 

last night i dreamt of vampires

but really i was dreaming of you

your blood sucking nature

that gave me my biggest wound

the thirst in your mouth

that led to mine

i just couldn’t get enough

it’s taste was so divine

i never wanted to stop

but once your eyes could no longer deceive

i knew there was no compelling that could let me believe

that you wouldn’t feed

that you wouldn’t consume me

there was no longer beauty in those eyes

what once was the prettiest of blues

and looking into your darkness

i know you wanted mine to be just as dark too

so now when i dream of vampires

i know you’re dreaming with me

because you still hope to get me to feed

feed forever into the night with you

i’m coming to the realization that i’m not the same person that i was when i was with you. i don’t even recognize her. i don’t remember what she thought or how she felt. i don’t remember anything about her. and i also don’t recognize you. i don’t remember the things you said and the weight those words had on me anymore. i don’t remember how you were. and it’s kind of sad. kind of sad to realize i’m letting go of a situation, a person that i loved and cared about for so long. but also it gives me this big sense of relief. because finally. finally i can be on my own. finally i don’t need you. and finally i can just be happy. i look at you and i am happy for you too. we’re two completely different people now. with different thoughts and feelings. and the past really just seems like the past. the whole concept of the past is so fucking weird to me. like once you get over it. once it’s no longer your present, it doesn’t matter anymore. and it’s almost like it didn’t exist. looking back, that person just doesn’t feel like she ever existed. our love kind of feels like it never existed. and that’s not a bad thing. it’s me getting over you. really getting over you. and finally taking care of me. and wanting me to be better for myself. not because i want you to love me. for so long, my whole entire purpose was you. everyday i thought i have to do better so he can love me again. but i never wanted to do better because i wanted me to love me. and now i want to love me. and i think i do love me. and i know i will be okay without you. i’ll be more than okay. i will prosper into beautiful, great things. and i know you will too. the past was the present for so long. but now the past can finally be just that. the past.

i’m drawn to the silence

the echoes of the wind

the simplicity of just being

and i cant seem to let go

the moon keeps her evil eye on me

she wants me to be alone with this gray matter

and some nights my ideations are filled with excitement and hope

while others are filled with the past and the pain

but still i would rather collide with the moon than the sun

as he shines too bright and i could never compete

i just want to be with the silence and the wind

i just want to be with her

i think this is what being an adult is like. it’s being totally alone. having no one. and learning how to be okay with that. it’s hearing everyone around you talk about what they’re passionate about – only to realize that you’re not passionate about anything. it’s hearing these people talk and really trying to listen but not getting anything from the conversation, even after somehow replying. it’s everyone being too busy or happy. they don’t wanna deal with someone like me. someone who could only bring them down. maybe this isn’t what being an adult is like. maybe it’s just what depression as an adult is like. i have always had someone here for me. someone i could talk to. someone that could just take it all away. and maybe that’s why i don’t have anyone anymore. i ran them all away. i don’t know. maybe this is all a good thing. maybe i’m meant to be alone. to just feel it all by myself. and deal with it all by myself. but god it just feels unbearable at times. and i worry that one day it will become too unbearable. the anxiety and the depression is making me physically sick. and it feels like my head is on fire. or just screaming. it’s so loud all of the time with zero relief. it all hurts. but i know i’m supposed to feel this. and it’s okay to feel this. it just really fucking sucks. and i wish i had someone. anyone to be here. anyone to take it all away. but i have to be here for me. and i have to learn how to take it all away myself. because this is what happens to someone who has had someone their whole life – once they have no one, they don’t know what to do or how to be okay.

i can’t sleep tonight. i can’t sleep because i lost my best friend. my best friend that i’ve known since the 1st grade. the one that i did dumb shit in chorus with in the 7th grade. the one that i have been inseparable with since the 10th grade. my best friend that i loved with my entire being. she was there for me through my first breakup and my second. she may not have always made the best choices but overall she was always – in my eyes – a good person. i didnt lose her like most. she didnt die or move somewhere far away. no. she’s alive. probably within ten miles from me at the moment. i lost her in a way that i feel hurts quite differently. i lost her as in she’s still here but she’s not herself. she’s not the person that i once knew. she’s someone who is broken beyond repair. she’s made choices that i can no longer stand by. i can no longer make excuses for her. i have to let go. and i am full of pain. but also numb at the same time. my whole body aches and i’ve never really experienced this before but apparently it can happen after a traumatic event. and tuesday night was most definitely a traumatic event. sometimes i wonder if i attract trauma. so many traumatic things have happened to me in my life and each time, it hurts more and more. i loved her. but now i know she is a person i can no longer love. i can only sit back and hope that she finds redemption for the things she has done. but honestly, if what she has said is true, there really is nothing she can do. i miss the simpler days. i miss when drugs, money, and sex weren’t so important. i miss the old her. i miss believing that me and her were gonna be best friends forever. in our 30’s – making our kids be friends and play together. why couldn’t she choose this kind of life? why did she have to choose a life so dangerous? a life that takes the humanity out of you? a life that is evil? i don’t know. maybe one day she can choose to live a different life. either way, i can no longer be in her life.